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Non Violent Communication (NVC) Talk/Workshop
Lucy
Go into your groups and do a 'check-in' - each person should say how they're feeling, in 3 words. Come back to the main room when you're finished, it should just take a minute! Max - Allow 2 mins. Don't feel the pressure to be positive - if you're feeling good then of course that's great, but the point is to show up as your authentic self, no matter what that means right now.
- Intros
- Why should you care?
- NVC for us
- Background and basics of NVC
- Reflection technique
- NVC technique
- Using these in your projects
- Questions
Max
Just a tiny bit about us! Lucy to do InFact and her, Max do himself.
Go into your groups and discuss:
- What are your biggest fears about this project?
- What are the biggest challenges you've faced so far in FAC? We'll bring you back in 3 minutes and ask a member of each group to give a short piece of feedback on what you found out. Lucy - When they come back, ask for something they were scared of, or something that was challenging. Hopefully they will say something we can link back to NVC. E.g. if they're scared they won't be able to do it in time, ask - "What would you do if you couldn't complete the project in time?" - eventually it'll probably come down to having a conversation 😬
Max - Over half of startups fail in their first year because of relationship breakdown.
Lucy - All of us are interested in self-awareness and analysis, go to therapy etc. and over half of startups fail in their first year because of relationship breakdown. So when we had an internal conflict that we weren't talking about, We decided to get a mediator involved to help us facilitate a discussion. Paul from Navigate came and led us through a day of conversation using NVC techniques. We found the techniques really useful and interesting, and have aimed since then to continue our exploration of NVC techniques. It also overlaps with the Sociocracy training we did with Outlandish, which is a really useful tool in facilitating conversations as well. All of us are doing this digital work because we're interested in helping solve problems using technology. We can't solve the problems unless we understand them, and we can't understand them without having effective conversations with clients. So it's important right from the beginning, even before there are any 'problems'!
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- Marshall Rosenberg grew up in Detroit
- We often use language which hides our feelings and needs
- NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and crucially to hear others
- It trains us to observe carefully, and to be able to specify the behaviours and conditions that are affecting us.
2. It is as important, if not more important, in NVC to listen deeply as it is to talk.
2. to make our feelings and needs more transparent to ourselves and others
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- The languages of disconnect or "self-alienating communication": diagnosis, denial of responsibility, demand, deserve
- When we use this language, we're more likely to make moralistic judgements, confuse feelings with thoughts, and make comparisons
- All of these make it harder for genuine connection between people to occur, and therefore progress to be made in a conversation
- Denial of responsibility language e.g. "But I had to stay late!", "It's annoying when you..", "I started coding because all my friends did" We are flawed beings and one mechanic that often happens in arguments is a protective denial of responsibility. TIP: Replace "I have to" with "I choose to" and "I should" with "I must" and use less impersonal pronouns. "It bugs me" vs "When you say this thing about me, I feel upset"
- Demand (not request) language + deserve language. Spending time trying to make people behave in the way that we want is not the purpose of NVC. This kind of dominance language relies on implicit or explicit threat of punishment to get what you want. For a request to really be a request and not a demand, allow the other person to say no.
- Moralistic judgements which imply wrongness or badness. Wrong isn't a feeling, it's a thought. "Oh, you're eating ketchup on your chocolate cake? That's disgusting that you did that!" It's hard to connect with a person who makes you feel ashamed of something you've done
- Comparisons eg. "Why can't you be more like them?", "They're just so much better at this than me" — phrases like this block compassion.
- Confusing feelings and thoughts. "I feel like you did that on purpose" – mixing up feelings and evaluations, and gives the evaluation/thought the status of a feeling, which is hard to argue against. This makes it harder to connect with or apologise for, or disagree with.
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- The trick is to talk in ways which allow us to understand the differences between our observations, our feelings, and our needs, and to try to express these things without judgement.
- Rosenberg believed that all judgements are unexpressed needs
- The trick is to talk in ways which allow us to understand the differences between our observations, our feelings, and our needs
- We use this insight to construct direct, clear, concise requests which would make the situation better for us
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- Observing without evaluating
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- Identifying and expressing feelings
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- Taking responsibility for our feelings
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- Requesting "that which would enrich life"
- "I feel like you've checked out of this project" or "I feel upset and stressed out because I need us to be equal in the amount of work we've put in"
- "You are so selfish" or "I feel hurt because I need recognition of the effort I'm putting in to this project"
- Direct, clear, concise. E.G. "Can you sort your life out or you and me are going to fall out big time" or "Would you be willing to sit down with me for the next half an hour and figure out a plan of action?"
In your groups, come up with an example of a conflict. You can do something real if you're feeling particularly like a bit of therapy, or (perhaps more advisable) keep it light e.g. a shopkeeper who was rude to you, or a person who jumped in line in front of you, or some other silly but annoying thing. It should involve 2 people.{" "} First we'll demonstrate how a certain scenario might go down...
- Arusa: "Agggghhh something isn't working properly!"
- Mandy: "What?!
What's wrong?!"
- Arusa: "I'm not sure.....and it's already 6pm.."
- Mandy: "We'd
better prepare ourselves for an allnighter, I'm going to call my parents and
say I'm not going to make to to theirs for dinner tonight"
- Arusa: "Oh..sorry, I can't..."
- Mandy: "What?! Why not? What are you doing??"
- Arusa: "Um, nothing really, but its 6pm and I'm tired, I don't want
to carry on and work late."
- Mandy: "What do you mean? You're just going to leave me here so I have
to fix it all by myself? I can't believe it, you don't even have any plans and
this is so important, it's going to look bad for all of us if it's not working,
you're so selfish!!"
- Arusa: "Oh my god Mandy - I don't have to stay and fix this just
because you think it's the right thing to do. You're so judgemental, you
think being a martyr makes you better than everyone else. Well, stay up all
night if you want, I'm out of here."
Now go into your groups and come up with your own conflict scenario - 5 mins!
Lucy - Go through technique and explain, then go through mock example using reflection technique
- Arusa: "Agggghhh something isn't working properly!"
- Mandy: "What?!
What's wrong?!"
- Arusa: "I'm not sure.....and it's already 6pm.."
- Mandy: "We'd
better prepare ourselves for an allnighter, I'm going to call my parents and
say I'm not going to make to to theirs for dinner tonight"
- Arusa: "I'm hearing you're worried about getting this work done on time, and you're prepared to stay a bit later to help get it finished. Is that right?"
- Mandy: "Yeah - that's right"
- Arusa: "I'm also hearing that you would like me to join you in doing this, is that right?"
- Mandy: "Um, yeah that would be great"
- Arusa: "OK, cool. Actually though, its 6pm and I'm tired, I don't want
to carry on and work late. "
- Mandy: "I'm hearing that you don't want to help me, is that right?"
- Arusa: "No that's not exactly right, I do want to help you and I'm invested in this project. But I need time away from work, and right now I need rest. And maybe so do you! I want this project to be successful but more than that, I want us both to be healthy."
- Mandy: "I'm hearing that you care about the project but you don't want to stay. And you're worried about me too."
- Arusa: "Yeah, that's right"
- Mandy: "Uh ok then. I do feel worried though, I need your help in making a plan of action. Woudld you be willing to sit down for the next half hour to figure out what we can do about this situation?"
- Arusa: "I hear that you're worried and would like us to work together on a plan of action. I'd like that too. Let's do it!"
Use this board to help you go through your example Lucy - Go through technique and explain, then go through mock example using NVC process (have whimsical open).
Max - lots of this feels stilted, because they're fake examples. Hopefully by understandinug more about NVC and expressing your feelings and needs, you can use it in real life when you notice a strong feeling arising. You also may be better able to hear and understand other people's emotions. - check ins - if you feel in a conflict, recognise it and state it: suggest trying a technique? - picking up little bits here and there - eg. "I'm hearing you want to..." - when you notice someone has strong feelings, you can ask them what they need - try not to take strong feelings personally, but extract the need and then clarify it
Thank you for having us 💖
We've got time now for you to ask any questions you might have.